Change change change....

Hello, is anyone here? Helllllllooooooo? Hmmmm, well not sure if we have any followers left but I figured I would give a nifty update bullet point style!

• Hubs and I have finally worked through our Home Study paperwork, and had all of our meetings for our Foster  Care License.  Now we wait for our case worker.
• Last  time I checked in with Case worker (CW) she indicated we should be ready by sometime in July to be placed.
• Froggy is now officially a Senior in College and he called last week to say he may take a year off....WORST IDEA EVAH! However if you have a 21yr old son who listens to you when you say.....WHAT!?! NOOOOO!  let me know. I don't know what to say or do to change his mind. I remind myself that he is indeed an adult and as such he has every right to make his decision and reap the reward or consequence (whichever it is).
• Bug had a fantastic 1st year of college and is excited to start her Sophomore year in Honors College and switched from BA to a BFA. Good choices.  She is in a sorority and honestly I love that she is so immersed in college life. Proud AOII momma here!
• Hubs attempted going back to school after 2 years of fighting to get him back in the classroom, and it was a flop. His short term memory is just to impaired for the degree he wanted to get, and the new career choice he had planned.
• I became a Mary Kay Independent Beauty Consultant and in my first official month hit STAR Consultant Sapphire level! I am going to Seminar in August and can not wait! Speaking of Mary Kay... if you need anything or would like to hostess an online party, please let me know. For those of you in my area I am more than willing to do a 1 on 1 consultation and service your skin care needs, or show you how you can hostess and earn $100 free product for having a party with me! For those interested in earning some extra money, or replacing a current income contact me and We can talk about that too!! Here is my website: Birdie's Mary Kay Site! 

I know I have been gone for hmmmm about a year now, I am sorry, I won't make excuses, life was rough, but I am back and ready to mingle in the blogosphere again now! Please tell me what have you been up to?

Infant Loss Awareness Day. October15, 2012

Thank you all for the wonderful thoughtful emails and messages while I was radio silence here I was working through what has been honestly the worst loss I have ever suffered. Love and I are indeed still alive and well. Froggy is a Junior in College and has changed his major for a 2nd time and picked up a double major while he was at it. Bug is doing spectacular now halfway through her 1st semester in college out of state and WOW just WOW, I feel blessed even as our hearts ache at the loss of Gabriel Joseph. I sit here and think where do I begin to tell you this story. The story of how my 8th pregnancy went horribly wrong and how my dear sweet Love had to go through burying our first child together and my 3rd child I've laid to rest. Infertility and recurrent loss is not for the faint of heart. Tonight I am lighting 7 candles in memory of my babies gone but not forgotten. I was blessed to be able to hold 3 of them as hello meant goodbye, and the others are just beautiful dreams I visit and wonder who they are and what they would have been if allowed to stay here on earth. 6 pregnancies with 1 set of twins lost. Lost... well maybe to me but I have to believe that God has a huge Found section just waiting for those of us who never got to say hello to our sweet babies. I like to imagine a huge party, like Birthday, Anniversary, Christmas and New Years all rolled into one. Trumpets blowing welcoming us as we enter the Kingdom of Heaven meeting our long lost babies, and other loved ones gone before us. That's what I imagine. On nights like tonight as the weather has turned to fall, and the trees are shedding their leaves and a cup of hot cocoa sounds lovely by the fire... I imagine my mom up there loving and playing and reading wonderful fairy tales to each of my children gone too soon, my sister's children gone too soon, and to her great grandchild gone too soon. My mother loved her family. She was always ready to lift a crying little one up and kiss away tears as she set them down gently to run off and play. I imagine its just beautiful to watch her revel in all the children. Including her 2 little boys lost too soon. I miss my mom and my babies and I know that while I miss her terribly as I grieve for Gabriel here, she is with him and his siblings and cousins and uncles right this very minute knowing that we are thinking of them, Loving them and knowing that in the end... we will all be back together. So tonight I say... Sweet Alexander Jeffery, beautiful Mary-Sue Elizabeth and our precious Gabriel Joseph...mommy misses you terribly, and enjoy Grandma B she is the center of our family. I know you are all safe in the arms of Jesus now and until we meet again I blow kisses in the wind, and hug each of you in my heart. I am working on the story of our pregnancy and the loss of Gabriel to share with you all. I hope to have it ready in the next week.

Dear Readers,

I am so very sorry I need to update and I will back date the entries so everyone can catch up very soon. The first 14 weeks of our pregnancy were fantastic and normal. I had morning sickness and fatigue that kept me away from you, my blog friends. I was working full time and caring for Love at home when I got off, we were in BLISS. Happy and unaware of the call I would get at work on my 14th week of pregnancy. These past 2 weeks have been hell going back and forth with Dr offices and the cryobank, and never hearing from our RE office about the issue at hand. This past Friday we received answers to a very big question and Saturday we went in for a "fun gender scan" that turned horribly wrong. Our baby had passed away between my doctor appointment Thursday and our early morning appointment on Saturday for our "fun" ultrasound. We found no heart beat Saturday morning and I began the drive 1 hour and 15 minutes to our town with my dear hubby, Love since he can not drive post stroke. I delivered our sweet little boy, Turtle at 3:16am Sunday morning, silently and at peace. We will share his name openly once all is finished. I promise full disclosure to you when I am told it is okay to blog openly about this situation. To say we have broken hearts would be an understatement. However I just can't tell this amazing little baby's story yet, we have to make sure some wrongs are righted and I do not want to jeopardize that. Love, Birdie PS I will resume blogging after his funeral arrangements are made and We have had some time to process this loss.

The Update Finally...

So I left off with how frustrated I felt by CD25 and no BFP... Just to put it in perspective I woke each morning with my POAS ritual and added to my supply of used pee tests... all showing me BFN after BFN.

On March 31st I laid down next to my hubby sure all the pregnancy symptoms I had were in my head and I was a loony Birdie with a psychological pregnancy because of wanting it so bad. I questioned my hubby, "Are you sure God told you this is the right time? Because I feel like crap and since I just went back to work and people are coughing and sneezing all over me I think I'm coming down with a bug... I keep getting negatives and I feel like CRAP!" Love looked at me and patted my arm, "Birdie, I promise God told me you were going to get pregnant and this is the time we are going to finally have a baby of our own. Don't doubt God, He's got this." (Me in tears) "Okay, but I'm scared and I'm trying really hard to hold onto my Faith, but maybe Dr Awesome was right, I'm old... maybe my eggs are crusty and dusty and old... maybe they aren't COUGAR EGGS.... What then?" Love kissed my forehead and 'said, they are good eggs, and we will have a baby Birdie. I love you." The next morning, CD26and12DPO I sat on the toilet and said a prayer, God, I'm not bargaining, I just wanted to let you know that I accept your will. Positive or Negative, I will praise you. You have all knowledge and power, and you work all thing together for your good. If we are pregnant Lord I pray that you show me now so I may share this blessing and confirmation with our Church family, They have been praying for our treatments and praying over our family for so long Lord. I want this baby to show glory to you. Amen. PS I really want to surprise our Sr Pastors! AMEN They have been our biggest cheerleaders on the sidelines... they were labeled barren and went onto have 5 children after medical intervention failed. So infertility has been a huge part of their life, and their Faith. I took the test and saw this on April 1st:

Our April Fools Day Surprise! I immediately composed myself and kept squinting and twisting the test back and forth in the dim light at 6:45am... When I ran to the bedroom and laid down I nudged my snoring my hubby... "Love?....Love?" I whispered and he groggily responded, "Huh what? is it time to get up for church? It's really dark in here." I replied, "When our baby is talking what do you want him or her to call you? Baba, Daddy?" He opened his eyes and said Daddy I guess... Then I said well good because your are going to have to start thinking about this stuff, because WE'RE PREGNANT!" and I showed him my "squinter positive!" When we got to church we told our Pastors and Love flagged down basically all 3500 fellow parishioners to tell them! I got to tell about 5 people... but thats okay, It feels good seeing my husband beaming with pride over this long awaited and anticipated pregnancy... Just to be sure it wasn't the worst April Fools joke ever, on Monday morning I took my last 2 tests! and here they are:

Yep folks I took 19 tests in all and had 3 positives after our trigger shot ran out of my system...

Our First Beta was scheduled for Tuesday, and it came in at 90.5 and our 2nd Beta came in today at 211! We are rising nicely and now wait for our first U/S on April 23rd at 7am. I have to continue to take prometrium because my progestrone level is 23.5 and the doctor wants to ensure our pregnancy sticks!

CD25 and 11DPO dIUI

Hey everyone! My progesterone level was 12.4 when checked and I was told by Dr Awesome's Nurse that he is very happy with that to keep up the progesterone suppositories and that I ovulated well. I've been POAS every single day and they have all been negative once my trigger shot went out of my system... I had some low back ache and crampy low belly stuff going on this past Wednesday 8DPO and I was told that could be implantation pain. I thought it felt kind of like my normal PMS stuff, but its gone not. I have absolutely no PMS symptom stuff going on now. I do however have some sensitivity to smells and yesterday and today I've had more acid reflux stuff going on. This morning I woke pretty queasy. I've been told all of this stuff is potential early pregnancy symptoms. Still praying this worked and that we will have a little one come Christmas time!