Monday, October 15, 2012
Thank you all for the wonderful thoughtful emails and messages while I was radio silence here I was working through what has been honestly the worst loss I have ever suffered. Love and I are indeed still alive and well. Froggy is a Junior in College and has changed his major for a 2nd time and picked up a double major while he was at it. Bug is doing spectacular now halfway through her 1st semester in college out of state and WOW just WOW, I feel blessed even as our hearts ache at the loss of Gabriel Joseph. I sit here and think where do I begin to tell you this story. The story of how my 8th pregnancy went horribly wrong and how my dear sweet Love had to go through burying our first child together and my 3rd child I've laid to rest. Infertility and recurrent loss is not for the faint of heart. Tonight I am lighting 7 candles in memory of my babies gone but not forgotten. I was blessed to be able to hold 3 of them as hello meant goodbye, and the others are just beautiful dreams I visit and wonder who they are and what they would have been if allowed to stay here on earth. 6 pregnancies with 1 set of twins lost. Lost... well maybe to me but I have to believe that God has a huge Found section just waiting for those of us who never got to say hello to our sweet babies. I like to imagine a huge party, like Birthday, Anniversary, Christmas and New Years all rolled into one. Trumpets blowing welcoming us as we enter the Kingdom of Heaven meeting our long lost babies, and other loved ones gone before us. That's what I imagine. On nights like tonight as the weather has turned to fall, and the trees are shedding their leaves and a cup of hot cocoa sounds lovely by the fire... I imagine my mom up there loving and playing and reading wonderful fairy tales to each of my children gone too soon, my sister's children gone too soon, and to her great grandchild gone too soon. My mother loved her family. She was always ready to lift a crying little one up and kiss away tears as she set them down gently to run off and play. I imagine its just beautiful to watch her revel in all the children. Including her 2 little boys lost too soon. I miss my mom and my babies and I know that while I miss her terribly as I grieve for Gabriel here, she is with him and his siblings and cousins and uncles right this very minute knowing that we are thinking of them, Loving them and knowing that in the end... we will all be back together. So tonight I say... Sweet Alexander Jeffery, beautiful Mary-Sue Elizabeth and our precious Gabriel Joseph...mommy misses you terribly, and enjoy Grandma B she is the center of our family. I know you are all safe in the arms of Jesus now and until we meet again I blow kisses in the wind, and hug each of you in my heart. I am working on the story of our pregnancy and the loss of Gabriel to share with you all. I hope to have it ready in the next week.