Writers Workshop...

Write about a time you hid from someone, or a time you disguised who you really were.

Inside my head I could hear my heart pounding as I held my breath... I thought for sure he could hear it too. I could see his feet walking through the upstairs guest room as I hid under the bed on my tummy. I was waiting for just the right time to slip out and run fast... as fast as my legs would carry me across the side yard and along the bean fields that boarded our 3 acres and the Country Club directly behind our land. Please don't let him hear me, my mind screamed. Finally his stale cigarette and Old Style breath was fading as I heard the master bathroom door open and close.

He was angry, and spitting out curse words as I slipped out from under that bed and creaked down the stairs, slipped out the back door and ran. I ran down the 19 stone steps built into the hill our home was built on. I hated that house... I called it the bad house.  Mom left me there in the middle of the country with my step father all alone. The abuse started 2 years before this memory in another home just a town away, before she married him. It wasn't long after they married that we moved to this huge 19 room farm house, with no neighbors or friends for me to play with in the area... SO I was captive to his every vile thought, desire, and need. It was in this house that my innocence was completely ripped away and healthy boundaries were blurred. That day I hid from the abuse and was able to keep his drunken eyes and hands off of me. I ran into this little grove under the bushes and seedlings and stayed there until my mom returned from work. I watched the big looming green house in the distance trying to stay awake all day long so I would be ready to run onto the golf course if he came out to look for me.

I remember how hard it was to open my mouth and whisper the words, "He touches me and makes me do things." What was worse was that after talking to her about it... she decided to stay. It was only after another family member heard me talk about it to a friend that she did anything about it. Years later I learned my mother was abused by her grand father and suddenly it all made sense. She didn't know how to protect her child because she wasn't protected. Back then they just didn't talk about those things. Lucky for me I have a big mouth...I talked about it, but it was not until my step father's death when I was 29 years old that I was freed from the night terrors that time in my childhood left me with.

ICLW February

Hi there friends! Love and I have been busy here at the Nest. We met with our RE Dr Awesome since our last ICLW. We were told to stop by the drug store and get an OPK and start testing, and by all means order our Donor Sperm... which we rushed home and did PRONTO! I charted my ovulation this cycle, and am now waiting for my cycle to start so we can get down to business. One thing that was frustrating was if I hadn't been a POAS junkie I would have missed my LH surge... because Sunday morning I tested negative then at about 3:00 I tested positive, then that night it was negative again... and has been ever since. I was on CD16, has anyone else had this happen to them? What does it mean? Please pray that my cycle starts on schedule (March 3rd) and that my LH surge is better next month for our IUI cycle. Frankly I am scared that I need to be doing something to up my hormone levels... OH the IF brain is kicking into high gear.

I have been getting our place the rest of the way unpacked and organized. Also I am learning to quilt from a friend of mine and I started cutting my squares for the baby quilt for another friend, and first time momma. I want to learn how to quilt so I can make an awesome quilt for each of my kids. My daughter is going away to college in the fall, then the baby ( I hopefully get preggers with next month), then my son Froggy because he is moving around right now and I'm not sure whether to plan for a twin or larger quilt for him.

What do you all think? Is the short LH surge something to be worried about? I turn 40 this year and I think I'm feeling really old... that and my son Froggy turns 20 on March 3rd as well... so yeah I'm really feeling OLD.

The Smiley Face

pic from: hopefulbean.blogspot.com. In my excitement I forgot to send mine to my blog and couldn't figure out how to get it from my phone to here.

 

Even though this one isn't mine... I had one just like it! WAHOO! We are now waiting for my menses to start so we can move forward with our March cycle! Time is passing so quickly!

Met with Dr Awesome

Love and I met with Dr Awesome and his Sr Resident and we officially have a plan of action!
Dr Awesome had me pick up an OPK and begin testing for Ovulation since I was on Day 11 of my cycle on our meeting day and he wants me to note the date of Ovulation then call when my cycle starts so we can jump into our cycle with the knowledge of this last cycles timing. He plans to do an unmedicated cycle with 2 consecutive dIUIs once I ovulate in March. HOLY CRIKEY friends this is our time! WAHOO!

We rushed over to Le Drugstore and got our OPK  the Clear Blue Easy one...

Then rushed home to order our Donor Sperm IUI vials...DONE in record time... while on the phone with our DS Bank I asked questions about our donor... Of the vials that have been used of his so far there are 5 confirmed pregnancies and the representative said that no less than 3 of those were multiples...

Now we are in the wait before the 2WW... and this time we are in control... WELL God is in control but I know we aren't relying on another woman, whether related or not to help complete our family. I'm not saying we are never going to go through surrogacy but we will be planning that when we are completely ready to proceed, with our 3 frozen embryos...Since they need to come home to us as well. This being just Love and I with our Dr Awesome is really well AWESOME because this is a huge change. We finally feel like we are moving forward and we took what little control we could of our own family planning. This Friday (today by the time the post goes up) is my CD14 so hopefully I ovulate and this is the final countdown and we get pregnant in March!

Over the years I have ofter said that I just want to end my pregnancies with my body on a high note. I want to carry a healthy pregnancy and deliver without the stress of Rh sensitization. By Love changing his mind on the use of donor gametes he is bringing that dream into a reality for me. What a wonderful husband and life partner, and soon very very soon... what a wonderful father to our future baby.

I can not wait for Love to become Big Daddy Love...it really is the one thing we have yearned for these past 3 years.  So please hurry little turtle...mommy and Big Daddy Love really want to meet you this year!

Interviews and TTC

I've been looking for a new job for the past few months. It's been a while since I've had to interview. When Love and I moved back to Littlebigtown, Midwest after a 4 month move across country, I decided I really needed to look for a new job finally. I haven't worked outside our home in almost 2 years. My former employer is trying to shift things around to get me back on staff, however that is taking some time so I did what any person would do... I started hitting the pavement and looking for a new job. One that I could work a flex shift on so I wouldn't miss work for my TTC appointments with Dr Awesome.  I had my first interview on Wednesday the 8th and I was so freaking nervous. The place I interviewed with is a treatment center. They are a 12 step recovery program that handles all types including court mandated  persons that are reintegrating into society after serving time. Murderers, Rapists, Pedophiles, all recovering from drug and alcohol abuse. I made it through the first interview pretty well, however when I am nervous I do this thing... I giggle after talking. Most of the time I am able to keep it in check but I think that the combination of this being my first interview in over 3 years, and the anxiety of leaving Love for the first time since his stroke was just too much. Luckily the interviewer addressed it and I opened up a bit about the situation. I know that isn't  normally something to share on a first interview, but I think it went well after the fact. I have some friends that happen to work there currently. So hopefully their confirmation that I am not always a Nervous Nelly/giggle Girl is good enough.

I had a 2nd interview on Friday and the interviewer approached Love and my TTC plan. My TTC plan came out from a friend who works there I guess. She asked if the "drama" going on in my life right now was going to keep me from focusing on my job, if she were to offer me one... Why is it that people call making a baby "drama" when it comes to infertility?  I collected myself and tried to answer as directly as possible. I assured her that no I would not be unfocused in my job performance. Unbelievable. Anyhoo... she seemed pacified by that answer, I on the other hand left fuming... with a smile plastered on my face. If I were just having a whole lotta sexual healing while TTC I've venture to say she wouldn't have called it DRAMA... so I know people sometimes say stupid crap when interviewing... but I totally am not upset to report I heard back and "yesterday" she interviewed someone with more experience than I have in a residential treatment facility setting... so that girl got the job, not me. OKAY... new search is on.  I'm sure there could be alawsuit for approaching my baby making dreams in an interview though.

Have you ever been on an interview where someone asks an obnoxious question? How did you handle it?

Nope Not Crazy...

Yes folks you heard it here first!

I can totally see you aren't impressed huh...OK well I guess let me back up so I can bust in with and TADA! We aren't crazy! Maybe that will help okay here we go.


So after a couple years of our private hell rollercoaster Gestational Surrogacy being the main focus, we switched gears suddenly. Love came to me in December and said he was ready to pursue dIUI, he asked me to make an appointment with our RE, Dr Awesome here in Littlebigtown, Midwest.

Alrighty so I jump on the phone while keeping an eye on Love, for fear I was wrong about what month we were in and he was going to jump up and say APRIL FOOLS! (because this had been a heated debate before we ever even married). I scheduled our appointment and hung up the phone, then a couple days ago the Nurse from Dr Awesome's office called me. (I'm gonna just call her nurse because my mommy taught me "if you don't have anything nice to say DON'T say anything at all, Birdiegirl!" so this is me not saying ANYTHING)
So Nurse said "Hey Birdie I see you have an appointment to talk with Dr Awesome about dIUI and get started, I need you to make an appointment with Clinical Psychologist, aka Her Royal Awesome, Psy. D. to go through the evaluation to make sure both you and Love are okay to proceed. " So I quickly inform Nurse that I happen to have an appointment this Friday (today) and I will make sure it gets done in the course of our appointment. Fast forward to today... We walk in to our appointment and just had to sit and visit with Her Royal Awesome, Psy. D. so she could make sure we aren't crazy nutty peeps that think every baby on the street is their long lost baby have reasonable expectations of this cycling process. They also needed to ensure we would indeed love this baby just like it were both of our genetic baby not like a red headed step child...

errr um wait well Love has one of those too. (for the record He loves Bug just like she is his. :) and actually I'm impressed with his ability to help me understand my almost 20 year old son, Froggy... (yeah the older they are they really don't get much easier), but We do so love our Froggy, and Bug. ANYHOO-  We met for an hour taking up my therapy session (what if I really needed that time today?) with Her Royal Awesome, Psy. D. yeah that is her real name! okay maybe not, but it should be. At the end I got this fabulous "permission slip" that says briefly in like 5 sentences that yes we know what to expect, we have realistic goals, we are emotionally stable, functioning, and based on our interaction with her she recommends that we be allowed to proceed in ART, with use of donor tissues (guess that's how they say Super Awesome Sperminator).  That's right Ladies and Gents, it is official we are "ALLOWED" to get pregnant by Secret Agent Donor otherwise know as Super Awesome Sperminator... On February 15th we have our appointment to get our calendar... and order our uber special vials of magic serum so Sperminator can get to work at helping Love and I be Daddy and Mommy. And We aren't crazy... if only Fertiles and teen parents had to get the same little permission slip<------ Yeah that's a rant for another day.


TADA! We aren't crazy!
However I have to go back to  Clinical Psychologist, aka Her Royal Awesome, Psy. D. because she must have been asleep while filling it out the date on it says 02/03/2011.... UGH!